Mibrofyalgia

I’m really looking forward to December this year.  November has been a very tough month.  It also means that I can put up a christmas tree which I’ve always loved doing.  The only thing is how am I going to get a tree and what kind.  I don’t have a car so whatever I get will have to be small.  I would ideally like a live tree in a pot so I can reuse it for years to come, which means somehow getting to a garden centre and back again, hmmm…I need lights too, that’s a little easier though.  I’ve made bead and wire decorations in the past-stars and angels-so I think I’ll make more this year.

I only really started landscape painting 3 years ago.  I decided to paint from “life” or “en plein air”.  I was lucky with the weather which was sunny and warm.  I was not prepared for the clouds to change quite so quickly.

My first attempt at outdoor landscape painting

I finished this one off at home because I was getting cold and it had got dark.

My 2nd attempt, a bit less finished but a better sky

This one was done completely on location, hence it is a bit messier.

I enjoyed the experience very much but have struggled to get very many pictures completed since-due to various health problems-so have a large amount of half finished canvases and paintings lying about the flat.

Once I had been moved to the psychiatric ward near home, my psychosis receded but I sank into a deep depression with anxiety.  I was in over the Christmas and new year period so the normal activities were not on and so I became very, very bored.  So I spent my days chain smoking.  There was a TV but I couldn’t concentrate on it and sometimes found it to be distressing.  I would go to bed as early as I could to try and shut myself off from the world, but I had to wait to be given my medication first.

I started to get home leave which meant I could go home for a few hours to start with and then I got a whole day and night.  I was so anxious about just about everything.  After a few weeks I broke down in front of the psychiatrist (a different one from the previous ward, who would become my outpatient doctor) and said that I just wanted to go home.  I was to my amazement allowed to go home that day.  I had to see my social worker before I could go.  I was elated.  It didn’t last long.  I got a taxi home and sunk even deeper into depression which lasted for two years.  I won’t go into much detail but it’s by far the worst depression I’ve ever had.  Unfortunately I didn’t tell my psychiatrist how bad it was because I was afraid of being hospitalised again.  This in retrospect was a mistake because I could have been put on antidepressants earlier if I’d been more open.

I had my anipsychotics changed because they were putting me at risk of osteoperosis and were also making me feel so flat that I couldn’t function.  I was then changed again because the new ones were causing terrible nightmares and significant weight gain.  I went from a size 10 to a size 18 without any change in diet.  Once on the new antipsychotic I dropped most of the weight to a size 12, again without any change in diet.  I was then put on an antidepressant and rapidly gained back all the weight I had lost.  They helped my mood to a degree but not enough so I was changed again, twice.  Now I’m on an antidepressant which helps my mood but I get a lot of dreams and am still overweight.  I’ve tried eating a sensible diet, that had no effect, so I tried reducing my calories again and again, no effect.  I noticed I was eating very little and became concerned about slipping back into old habits and decided just to eat a sensible diet and just try to come to terms with being overweight.

I started having mood swings again about two years ago and was put on a mood stabilizer which seems to have helped as long as I don’t get too stressed.

I’m relatively stable now and starting to piece together my life bit by bit, but it’s taking longer than I had hoped.  I’m also hoping that my next post will be “my recovery from mental illness part 1″ 

Cats are wonderful animals.  I have three, they are siblings-a brother and two sisters- and are ten years old.  Whenever I’m ill or upset they all come for extra cuddles and have in the past brought me twigs and feathers and laid them at my feet, which is quite sweet.  One of them, Nancy, is currently sitting on my knee purring away.

Cats are great companions and are also independant in their own way.  They do what they please most of the time, which I think is great.

I’ve had 13 cats since I was young and each one had a different way about them.  They’ve all been either unwanted or rescue cats.

This is an acrylic painting I did of a friends cat

I’m back from my week away.  I’ve had a hard weekend because I’ve had a bereavement.  I don’t really know what to do with myself a lot of the time, I suppose it’s going to be a mixture of just thinking and distracting myself.  I’m sleeping really badly, horrible dreams and waking up all through the night, even more than I was anyway.

I’m still in shock really.  Swinging between that and feeling numb.

It’s half past two pm and I really would like to have a nap.  The problem is that napping messes with my already disrupted sleep at night.  So should I stay awake and feel rotten and too tired to do anything interesting or useful or should I sneak a few winks and lose all hope of a decent nights sleep?

I’m listening to loud rock music at the moment on my headphones to try and wake myself up a bit.

It’s been raining in a determined fashion all day and the nearby stream is not that far off breaking it’s banks which is a concern because I live in a ground floor flat and have nowhere high up to put my artwork, or my poor cats if it does flood.

Today is all saints day.  I’ve never really known what that really meant.  I’ve had a look at a few sites on the net and from what I’ve seen it seems to be a day of commemorating all those who have attained “beatific vision in heaven” which I think means have been made perfect before God.  So it’s the known and unknown saints.  Feel free to correct me!

Tomorrow is all souls day, which again I’m led to believe, is commemorating “the faithful departed”.

Almost like clockwork I have woken up just before 4am.  This is usually ok, I even sometimes enjoy my little early morning time alone.  I may read, watch TV or surf the net.  It’s not so good when visiting other people, which is exactly what I’m doing next week.  I’ll have to just lie in bed trying not to get agitated and try and read (which I can do if I can concentrate) or listen to my MP3 player.  But means I can’t wander about, make myself a snack, watch TV or play about on the computer.  Early morning insomnia is much easier in your own home.

I try to avoid things that are very stimulating at this time in the morning so no art work as that fills my head with ideas.  No Bass playing either, my neighbours wouldn’t appreciate it.  I could play my digital piano with the headphones in but again I would want to compose songs and that would fill me with ideas.

I find writing at this time good because it tires me out without having to think in a way that is counterproductive.  It means that I can get things off my chest.